I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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