We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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