it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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