hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
