she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Randomize
