So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
People in love make me want to vomit
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
