i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
