have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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