you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
