Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
