so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
