If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
