I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Randomize
