Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
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