i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
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