Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
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sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
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I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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