I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
