I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
