I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
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Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
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i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
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