Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
