Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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