I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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