I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
