that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Randomize
