in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize