I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
This is classic penis vs brain.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
