I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
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