she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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