ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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