I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I will pee on everything he values.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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