just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
