I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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