Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
