broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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