I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
