Porn is love you can see.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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