My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize
