Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
