Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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