I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
