I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
