Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
