So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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