So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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