Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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