We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
