meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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