So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
where am i from again
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
