I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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