Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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