I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Randomize
